My husband and I have entered a somewhat surreal phase in our life: A Wedding! Our oldest child, Cal—my husband’s first-born and my step-son since his early childhood—officially popped the question to his girlfriend Kate last April.

Cal and KateAt 25 years old, he still seems young to us, and our second-oldest child would say that according to scientific research, his brain only recently became fully developed! LOL. But he met his beloved during their freshman year of college, so getting engaged on the five-year anniversary of their official courtship seemed completely natural and well-timed. Cal and Kate genuinely seem to be a perfect match, and we are thrilled for them!

The wedding is at the end of May and approaching at rapid speed. Several weeks ago, Cal’s mom asked us to send pictures for a rehearsal dinner slide-show, so I set off on the task of searching through years and years of photos on my phone and the computer.

This process reminded me how badly I need to spend some serious time deleting and organizing so many years of photos. It was hard to pick just a few to send and I probably sent more than his mom was looking for, as she probably has more than enough of her own already.

More importantly, though, it gave me that bittersweet time to remember and reflect on the past years and how quickly they seem to pass. It also made me think about childhood and family and growing up in relation to our family structure.

Families come in all ways, shapes, dynamics, and sizes—they all have their pros and cons, and everyone has something to complain about and be thankful for.

I was one of five children myself growing up, so I am aware of some of the pros and cons of having a large family. One of the most interesting continuing education sessions I ever attended was about the psychology of birth order. It was fascinating to me, and many years later, I still remember learning about the significant impact birth orders can have on our developing personalities.

Cal on his graduation dayCal is the oldest of five and he is the “Big Brother” in every sense of the word. This would be obvious, even to a stranger if they were to scroll through my camera roll! It was surprising, even to me, just how many pictures I have of him holding one of his younger siblings. Scrolling through the pictures, it was almost impossible to find pictures of JUST Cal. Unfortunately, most of the individual photos I have of him are from baseball (taken from a distance and low quality action shots).

But there are plenty of Cal holding a younger sibling or the iconic first day of school poses of him and his two sisters who are closer to his age. That is probably typical though, especially with a big family. We tend to take pictures on vacations, family gatherings or fun outings, and special occasions.

These pictures do represent to me such a big part of who Cal is as a person. He was always quick to oblige a sibling’s request for a piggy back or carry during a long walk or hike. He was the best in the family at the art of distraction when a younger sibling was upset or out of sorts about something.

Cal had always shown gentleness, calmness, patience, and kindness in how he treated his youngest siblings. His two sisters that are closer in age to him, well that was a more typical sibling rivalry at times!

But when our younger son was born, Cal was almost 10 years old, and then he was 15 when his youngest sister joined the family. So these younger siblings benefited from Cal’s big brother nature in a different way. So, what defines the big brother nature?

The characteristics often seen and associated with oldest siblings are not surprising. Those characteristics include being responsible, assertive, perfectionist, rule following, ambitious, self-disciplined, independent, natural leader, achievement-oriented, caretaker, and organized.

Cal definitely embodies all of these characteristics, and I can certainly remember childhood stories when he exhibited them. Now that he is an adult, these characteristics continue to help him be extremely accomplished and successful.

But when I look back at all these pictures, I am reminded of how he is so much more than that.

I remember Cal’s super-silly and fun side. I remember his belly laughing until he turned bright red and had tears coming down his face. I remember his playfulness and his eagerness to always participate in absolutely any game. I remember Cal’s willingness to dress as a banana with the whole family one Halloween when he was certainly old enough to have opted out of doing so. I remember him putting on large footie pajamas on a family trip to Ben and Jerry’s (again, definitely old enough to opt out).

Cal and his four younger siblingsAnd, while maybe not represented in the family photos, I remember a sensitive and very loving side; sometimes quick to cry from frustration, anxiety, or sadness. I remember some difficult and open conversations that required vulnerability and honesty.

While it is often really fun being in a big family, it can also be overwhelming and hard to find your own place and space at times (both physically and mentally).

However, I was a middle child, so I do not fully know the added pressure of being the big brother or the big sister. In the Disney movie “Encanto,” the oldest sister sings a profound and powerful song about this called “Surface Pressure.”

Our oldest daughter, just 11 months younger than her older brother, explained how that song nearly moved her to tears when she first heard it—so accurately and painfully describing the pressure an oldest sibling can sometimes feel:

“Give it to your sister, your sister’s stronger. See if she can hang on a little longer. Who am I if I can’t carry it all?”

One can certainly see how older children would put pressure on themselves to cultivate the characteristics that come with the oldest sibling role, but how much added pressure is coming at them from others?

How fair is it for us as parents to expect these things from our oldest children? The answer to this is too complicated and beyond my expertise to answer. Looking back, I do feel that I definitely had certain expectations of my oldest son and daughter. Some of these expectations were conscious and probably natural and healthy. But perhaps some were unintentional and created too much pressure for a growing child.

So, to our oldest son, Cal, about to officially begin one of the biggest adventures of his life, I have several things I hope he knows.

I hope Cal knows his parents think he hung the moon, and he is the epitome of a role model for his four siblings. I hope he knows that anyone who meets him cannot help but like and respect him.

While he very much fits that mold of the typical oldest brother, Cal should never be afraid to make mistakes. He should not hold back from showing his very silly side or his very vulnerable and sensitive side to the family and friends who know and love him. I know that I appreciate these sides just as much.

I am sorry that I didn’t take more pictures of JUST Cal! I am sorry if I didn’t make him feel like enough of an individual person, outside of his family role as big brother. I am sorry if I ever put added pressure on him to be that perfect big brother.

More than anything else, I want him to know that I see him, and I love him, not just as a loving step-son or incredible brother, but just for the exceptional person that he is.